just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
