we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
