Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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