Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
