I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
