I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
