Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
