cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
