Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
