i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
