My room smells like vodka and shame
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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