There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
