Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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