Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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