I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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