Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
