Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
