If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
