we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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