We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
