Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
