it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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