how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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