The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
