she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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