you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
