I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
