Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
