Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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