haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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