anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
