You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
