i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
