i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
