They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
