I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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