I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
