Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
