i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
