You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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