I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
