So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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