I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
