Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
They are going to name an STD after you.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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