happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
