I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
