perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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