There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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