I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
