I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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